self-imposed echo chamber

I love you, I am so sorry. I told you when I left that I didn't want to leave your life forever and I meant it. I cannot get over this pit in my stomach. It feels like love and guilt but not love like in love love but more like the love of a childhood friend. I want to reach out. I miss you. I miss our conversations. I do not miss how you treated me, I do not miss our relationship. How to convey this while being respectful to everyone in the situation? probably can't.  I hope you see this, I hope you know it is for you.  B, I would like to begin by acknowledging my faults. I pressed the feeling down with so much fervor until it exploded into our lives. I should have told you, I should have warned you about the inevitable fall. I should have known that they would have led to this. I was selfish unknowingly. I am still a baby too, just learning. I wish we had both known how bad the break needed to happen. The effort needed to mend what had slowly broken was not within either of ...

Yes, I am the main character. I expand the horizons of the people who invest in me and are open to learning and growing with me and from me. The way I try to balance this is by learning and growing from my partner too. Last night he looked at me and said I am so glad I met you I am so glad you're here. Without you I would have never gone to Trader Joes, I would have never watched this show, I would have never known about so much. I know he meant it and more because the love he had in his eyes for me. He didn't know that I take so much pride in that and I try to make it a point to immerse my person into my culture and bring them into the parts of my life that bring me joy. There are just so many things that I do that can make life a little more fun and a little more bearable. This is also why I try to be open to their culture, I want life to improve with my person. I don't know if this makes sense.  I have therapy tomorrow. I will tell him about my new blog and talk to him a...

 I just cannot believe that I lived so long without this. I cannot believe the hottest sex I had before this was a one singular second ordeal just because I was talked to by this man. I didn't realize I could find someone who loves me, who is good in their life and exactly what I need in bed. 

 I weighed myself for the first time in 6 months yesterday. I weighed 152. I am so scared. The largest I got was 160+ and then I starved myself and broke up with my ex. I lost so much weight and I was at 130. I was so pretty. I was so small. I looked in the mirror and didnt want to turn the lights off. I need to start working out again but I literally cannot figure out a way to do it in a healthy way. I always fall back into my old ways. I am so tired of this battle in my mind. I want to be normal with a normal relationship with food and my body. Obviously, this is a common struggle but I just feel alone in this one. 

 Is it normal to expect your partner to be the DD? I thought it was implied. None of the other things I do for him are implied. I go above and beyond all the time I would do anything for him. I asked him to drive 15 minutes so I could have some drinks and it was an automatic no. I was so so so happy when I saw him buy food for a hungry man without a thought. I said wow it is incredible that I have a man who is kind to people by default. Does that only apply to strangers?

 I could write a whole damn persuasive essay about how my life is a direct parallel to TTPD, but nobody in my life knows the album AND my love life in intimate detail (also nobody cares as much as I want them to) so I will just have to talk about it here. I was with my ex for 4 years and towards the end I got really intense whirlwind feelings for a coworker (he didn't want me, he was also 5 ft 4 with a long term girlfriend but boy did he act like he wanted me). I left my ex, but not for the man. I left him because he dulled my sparkle. After the breakup, I took some time to heal and became more candid with my coworker crush. I was eventually shot down and he played dumb like he didn't know what he had been doing to me. I then met another man on a dating app. I just meant to play around and meet people but holy shit I fell so hard. He is everything good. He made me realize that I don't have to give up my needs just to find somebody. I know it sounds like I am a serial monoga...

 Forbidden love is what he gives me, disguised as warmth and being held. He kisses my lips softly, as if he knows I’m fragile. The smell of sunscreen lingers. I trace the lines on his face with my eyes closed.     Forbidden love is what he gives me, disguised as sly smiles and stares. He makes me crazy with his big eyes. I think of the pictures we painted with the colors of his soul. I cling to the memories of night, when darkness covered the shame.    Forbidden love is what he gives me, disguised as glances and avoidance. My stomach turns at the sound of his voice. The dragging of his feet replaces the ringing in my ears. I cry out silently for his warmth, he chooses not to hear.     Forbidden love is what he gives me, disguised as his ring and his deceit. He holds her hand tightly. I get dizzy as I see them touch. He begins to forget my name.

My whole life I have been the type to look back and long for the beginning. The innocence of childhood, the first bite of a meal, the part in the book before you know the twist. I think it has also manifested in the way I interact with love. It is as if I live by the law of diminishing returns. I never thought it was fair to move on. IS IT ME? IS IT YOU? the tide has turned I long for your tomorrow love. I long for your forever love. Today I am so much more whole than I was yesterday. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A MIND THAT CHANGES WHEN YOUR STORM COMES THROUGH. 

The one I know today knows nothing of the girl she was She knows nothing of the woman she will become  She lives her life in blocks of regret and numbness  Any happiness qualified by the immaturity that preceded  She craves the approval of the past and dreads the future  What will her disposition look like then?  There is only one assurance she can lean on  That she will contain multitudes of the entities she was

Good morning. I am feeling a little bit cooped up in my brain so I decided to start a diary. I have shitty handwriting which deters me from writing in a real diary. I tried the iPhone journal app, but I just can't make myself care to use it. I don't consistently have thoughts I need to write down in order to process, but it will be nice to have a space when I need one. I named my blog the self-imposed echo chamber because this will be used to reinforce my own beliefs and to sort through things I have in my head. Another thought was that this might help me improve my writing. I used to love to write poetry, but I am not a great long form writer. I feel like this could maybe help to allow myself to just write and gain some confidence ? I could be making this up. I am hoping the content of this blog will include poems, thoughts that I cannot express out loud and brain dumps. I don't expect it to be worth reading, or not to be worth reading. I don't expect it to be good or ...