short letter to B

I love you, I am so sorry. I told you when I left that I didn't want to leave your life forever and I meant it. I cannot get over this pit in my stomach. It feels like love and guilt but not love like in love love but more like the love of a childhood friend. I want to reach out. I miss you. I miss our conversations. I do not miss how you treated me, I do not miss our relationship. How to convey this while being respectful to everyone in the situation? probably can't. 

I hope you see this, I hope you know it is for you. 

B,

I would like to begin by acknowledging my faults. I pressed the feeling down with so much fervor until it exploded into our lives. I should have told you, I should have warned you about the inevitable fall. I should have known that they would have led to this. I was selfish unknowingly. I am still a baby too, just learning. I wish we had both known how bad the break needed to happen. The effort needed to mend what had slowly broken was not within either of us. It is suchhh a weird feeling to know and love every inch of someones body and soul enough to know they aren't right for you (and vice versa). The love has not gone away, just changed forms. In a way, I can love you more now. I don't hold you to standards that you can't reach and lash out when I don't get what I want. I wish I could love you like I do now to your face. I wish I could have kept you in my life. I want you as a friend, not as a partner. The fucked up part is that I would never know how much I needed you as anything but my partner if we had not been together. Please know that I think about you often. If I don't get a text on my birthday, I will be so sad. I wish you knew the ball was in your court and how bad I want you to throw it over here so that the communication would be kosher. 

I am so sorry. Please don't stop loving me either. 

Z

he called me on my birthday