cp journal prompt

 What would it feel like to move through the world without any self-consciousness? How much of my perception of my body and abilities comes from my own experience, and how much comes from how I think others see me? If I could separate the two, what truths about myself would remain?

I think I have had fleeting moments experiencing the world without any self-consciousness.  If I could have more than a glimpse of life without these feelings, it would be a revolution. I am always unapologetically myself and it is so easy to get lost in the moment with people that I love and people that make me laugh. In those times, my spirit shows, not my physical form. I would imagine that shedding the self-consciousness would feel freeing to my spirit. 

The second question stings! There are many things I can do, but many things I have foregone because I assumed I couldn't. I am 24 years old, and I want to go back in time so bad and tell 12 year old me to at least try to do a cartwheel before declaring it was impossible. How would I know it was impossible? The voices in my head were all the same when I was young. Now, I am able to separate the voice of societal pressures and my genuine intuitions. The catch is, how much of my intuition was formed before I was self actualized, and can that damage be undone? Is there any damage? Is my self doubt the product of being incapable or the product of not feeling capable? My position is very hard. Being told you can do anything you want your whole life really makes failure sting. That taste in my mouth has not left since I gave up at the swim trial. What if I can do it all? What if the "I can do anything I set my mind to" mindset, that is just not true, influenced me to refrain from wanting and refrain from trying. I need to figure this out I guess lol.

Thinking about the separation of my soul and my physical form is not foreign to me. I know myself as my soul. I am funny, sarcastic, intelligent, passionate, curious, empathetic. I have a much harder time reconciling my body and my soul as one. I don't identify with this form of self I guess. 

If I could talk to 12-year-old me, what would I say? What does she need to hear? And if she could talk back, what would she say to me now?

I would tell her that her mother feels just as deeply as you, and the words you use matter. I would tell her that she is a scientist, and to not be scared of the complexities and imposter syndrome this field entails. I would tell her that there will be failures, but following her heart will not put her through trials she cannot survive. I would tell her to think before she speaks, but to speak loud when she does. I think she would tell me that I am pretty and she would be shook to her core that I am a scientist. I hope she is doing well in there, wherever she is. 

Do you think 12-year-old you is still shaping the way you navigate the world now? In what ways does she still show up, and in what ways have you left her behind?

This is not the easiest question to answer. I have blocked out a lot of that time. I felt like to get rid of the shame, guilt and embarrassment of my actions and demeanor at that time I had to get rid of her completely. I am still steadfast like she was, but I dont think that is because she is shaping me, I think that was a part of me from birth. I have totally abandoned her because I hate her. I love that girl so much but I cannot stomach loving the girl if the girl is me. 

What would it take to forgive her? To see her not just as someone you used to be, but as someone who was trying, learning, and surviving with the tools she had? What would happen if you stopped running from her and instead, let her rest?

I don't know if I can forgive her for all of the embarrassment she caused me. I know she was trying and learning, but the blinders on her, the dramatic shit, the attitude. I have let go of the guilt of hurting people and myself because I was just a child who was dealing with a lot. I suppose I have forgiven her for what she did, but I haven't forgiven her for making me feel like I had something to forgive her for. Like I can realize I was a child doing the best she could, but I want to look back on those times and smile. I want to look at pictures and remember the good times. I have erased it all and I hate her for making me do that. 

Can you find one memory from that time—just one—that doesn’t make you want to erase her? Something small, something quiet, something that feels safe to keep?

I don't know. I envision her and just feel pity. I want to hold her and let her cry. There is not a memory I did not ruin. 

If you could take her somewhere safe, where would it be? What would you do together? What would you want her to feel in that moment?

I know she would want to feel grown up, but I need to show her where I find the intrinsic childlike wonder and joy that has slipped away from me over the past 12 years. I want to show her where I go to be reminded of what it felt like to be her. I would take her to a greenhouse or a lake. Somewhere where nature takes over all of the senses. I want her to know that the feeling she is trying to run from is the exact one people chase for their whole lives. I would tell her that places like this can grant her peace from the demons and allow the childhood to fully encompass her. I want her to feel the serenity that I would feel being there if the weight of the world weren't on my shoulders yet. I want to introduce her to her sanctuary before it has to become one. 

What if you went there now—not just for her, but for you? What if you let yourself experience that peace without waiting for the weight to lift?

The pure serenity that I am capable feeling in the natural world has been overshadowed by letting my passions become work. Nature is still my sanctuary, but I dont know if that specific peace can be experienced with the weight still on me.