self-imposed echo chamber

 I am a bee trapped under a glass. Whenever I ask to be let out, the more the cup closes in on me. I will get out one day, and I will sting. 

 This morning I was made aware of the fact that it can take people with cp 3x as much effort to function so I am basically doing 3x everyone else with 3x less rest and recoup time. Maybe I am not lazy, maybe I can give myself grace. Maybe being a human in my body is something I am allowed to acknowledge is harder for me than others. I have never wanted to accept that I am not as good as everyone else, but I suppose I must in order to keep myself from burning out before I even start. 

I spent a year getting my spirit crushed slowly before there was a glimmer of hope. Finally, I can prove that it wasn’t due to me not having the ability to do it.  But it wasn't enough.  I really thought that I’d be better. I thought I’d be good enough. I want to believe I am. Instead, the opinions of the outsiders are tearing down faster than I can build up. I don’t do bad things on purpose. I want to make everyone like me I want to make everyone happy. No matter what I do, I upset people. Every time I take a step forward, more stones get thrown at me. The cruelest trick was when I thought that they stopped throwing rocks. I thought it was over, that it would be different. Maybe they were even cheering me on. Turns out their aim was off just enough for me to forget what it felt like to be hurt. 

 I am never one to back down from a fight (lie).  I have a strong sense of justice. If I feel that someone I care about who I look at as unable to standup for themselves is getting wronged, I will go to extreme lengths to hate on that person. Conflict on behalf of me, though, is a whole different story. I have gone into too many fights cocky and with one sentence, my whole system of belief in that situation gets knocked down. I am so scared that will happen any time I get into conflict with someone. It makes me feel like I go into conflicts soft, malleable and apologetic. The benefit of the doubt is given to everyone but myself. This is not something that has always come naturally for me. I used to go in to conflict blazing hot, pissed off. I know that even though my new self feels weak compared to the girl that would demand her side be heard, my attitude is not a weakness. I think going into conflict with love and openness to other perspectives has been a skill that I have co...

burning my heart's flame roars lustful nights turn carnal the drip of our sweat fuels the pyre burn on 

I can't fight the fog but in the glass, it reveals the finger-drawn heart

 Hi all. I have had such a weird week. I hung out with a guy friend and a third party was present. Later, she told me I giggled so much around him and he did the same thing. I don't mean to! I don't like him! That is bestie fr. Also, I had to pay $1068 for my car. I got paid today but I am still scared to look at my bank account until I get my reimbursement from my work.  Also, I am getting really nervous about my thesis. I don't want to write it. I started this blog partially to make putting words on paper less scary. I hope it works! I got this stuff it is supposed to be an arousal oil and it did work it was nice. I had maybe the best sex of my life ever last night it was ridiculous. I lowkey squirted on his hand even tho I don't do that. My man was so happy. It felt so good and now I have to stop thinking about it so I don't get horny at work. God I hope nobody reads this.